sunday, bloody sunday...

It's 4am... I hate not being able to sleep, I try so hard to close my eyes and just drift off but it seems like every time I do I think of her. I mean how could I not, I slept next to her almost every night for 5 months... It was the best sleep I have ever had in my life. See I've always had a problem sleeping, my freshmen year of college I went a full four days without sleep, however not once did I have the problem sleeping next to her. I mean why would I? I was happier then I have ever been in my whole life... I was sleeping next to the girl who IS my best friend and it was the most peaceful experience. My favorite part about sleeping next to her was waking up in the morning ( I normally woke up first) bothering her until she woke up, she would yawn, stretch, smile and look at me like she was so happy that I was the first face she got to see to start her day. When she had to wake up and go to work before me she would get dressed and before she walked out the door she would sit on the bed scratch my head and tell me she loved me and kiss me. (I still wake up and semi-expect to see her laying next to me with that smile) How do you sleep well when that is gone? even my prescription for sleeping pills (Lunesta) can't solve that problem. I love her so much, you could never know how much I miss all of that, however I haven't talked her in what seems like ages and it scares me more everyday because it further cements the idea that I will be never have that experience with her again. The thought drives me to do and say crazy and irrational things... people keep telling me to just forget about her and move on, but How do I do that when every moment of my life is permeated with memories of her, my car, the clothes I wear, Mac and cheese, the words or phrases that I say because of spending so much time with her, the fact that when I finally do get sleep I dream about her ( I didn't think it was possible to have one person in your dream nightly for three months). I despise all of it because I feel insane, I hate the fact that one person being gone from my life has thrown my life so far off that I act like a person that I do not want to be and never thought I would be. I was a semi-typical guy who spent time with lots of girls and when they wanted a commitment I ran, now the only girl who has ever said she wanted to marry me and woke up the next morning to see me still there is gone. (Poetic Justice, huh?) My life is forever changed because of it. Now I refuse to hurt a girl by running again because I know how it feels and because of that I will abstain from dating girls until my heart is void of my love for Andria. I think that will be a very very long time. I never knew it was possible to love someone like I love that girl, and I do not regret one bit every moment I spent with her, or moving to Arkansas or the pain that I am feeling now because for 6 months I was the happiest I have ever been, I loved more then I thought was possible and I learned that doing little things to make the one you love happy make me happy is one of the most fulfilling things possible and out of all my adventures thus far Andria has been my greatest, and that's saying a lot. Until this can be resolved I will drown my problems in 70 hour work weeks and my impending departure back to my west coast life... Pray for me and my fractured heart.

Sleepless in the Midwest,
Justin