There's beauty in the breakdown...

 Is it funny what your mind decides to immortalize in your memory, Moments in your life that seemed unimportant at the time but ended up leading to the a life changing moment, and this case my imminent downfall... In the past few days I have tried to clear my mind and look back at the last year of my life, and how the pieces of my life have aligned to bring me to this, the lowest point of my young life... and I continue to see that this downfall didn't start December 23, January 14Th, February 15Th or April 27Th... It happened much earlier, and that the catalyst of this downfall is none other then myself.

  I have grown to understand that my downfall was due to the little decisions that I have made that I thought were everyday insignificant decisions, which lead to bigger decisions like leaving Ozark, Moving to a different state, Not showing up for class, Moving back to Arizona then back to Arkansas and then back to Arizona again, Not talking to Andria for 1 1/2 months... and because of these decisions I know feel more alone then I have ever been... My life has changed such a drastic amount I haven't been able to catch up emotionally... I went from being the center of some one's life, and Loved so much to being a schmuck and not even being in her life anymore... and there is a huge void in my life now, I am trying to fill the void with friends, Moving into my new house, family, summer trips... but so far after this  last month and a half I have not filled that void... The funny thing about these decisions and my recent "Downfall" is that I would do it all over again, I would endure the pain, the monetary repercussions, everything... I have learned that 6 months in the sun is worth any kind of payment or consequences it requires... I really hope that she feels the same way...

Drifter...

Good afternoon everyone! It has been a while since I have written you but I have lots of new and exciting things have happened that I am sure you are dying to hear so I won't waste an ounce more of your time...

  Just a quick Justin update, I am dealing with things a lot better the last few days and it gives me hope that I can have more days like this. I still however for the life of me cannot sleep unless it is medically induced, for instance last night, I took 2 Lunesta's at 8pm and I slept until Four Am... so I took 2 more, I slept until 6:30am so I took another 2 and I slept until 1:45pm... I know it sounds rather unhealthy but it is the best sleep I have had in a very long long time and I had not a single dream ( The things I dream about make sleep not worth it)Thank goodness I woke up feeling drunk but it was worth it.  

     This is what I really wanted to talk about... last week I was at a party with about 20 semi close friends and was the normal talking and "How are you?'s" and one person asked "where have you been?" I preceded to tell them about moving back and forth from Arkansas to Missouri to Arizona then back to Arkansas/Missouri. He gave me a look that had to be one of my favorite looks I have ever received, His eyes got really big and he started saying "WOW!, WOW!" I could only guess how crazy he thought the things I was saying were, and tried so hard not to let his face show (sorry bud, caught ya, and I will remember that look the rest of my life) after he finished nodding  he said "Well I guess your just a drifter Justin!" I didn't know how to respond to it, at first I was offended when you think of a "drifter" you think of someone who is homeless and hops on trains or hitch hikes to get around... but after a second I realized, I am homeless (I have a home I just choose not to live in it.) , I have been drifting from state to state in my own car but still... I have slept on a sex stained/ cigarette burned couch found in a dumpster for 3/5  months in 2009. So instead of shunning that name put thrown my direction I have choosen to accept it, and instead of thinking of it in a  negative way I will just add it to my long lists of Justin Stein adventures, and my adventures are what keep me going in life, I love them and creating them... they make me unique and different from the other people my age, and I do not want to be like them, I want to be Justin Stein. Plus, one day I will not be able to do this, I will have a family and children and I can't just uproot them or leave them... one day I am going to want to be in only one place with the people/person that I love... It's not that time for me right now... So I say this this to you to tell you I will be drifting again for the summer... I know that I said that I was going to stay in Joplin for the summer but I will not... I am on the move again, after really thinking about it, the only reason I wanted to stay in Joplin was to stay as close to Andria as I could, but the closer I am to her the more pain that it causes me... So, I joined a fishing crew off the coast of Alaska and I will be heading out in 2 weeks...(I am willing to bet after some of the things you I written on here you semi believed that last sentence.) I am going to Arizona for a Job oppurtunity working with under-priviledged  kids, plus my my parents are moving so I thought I would be a good son...  and help them pack up all my child hood memories. They know as well as I that I will be gone as soon as summer is over and that I will be in California likely by December. I am a drifter, I will continue to embrace that and it is going to take one hell of a net to catch me and make me stop. I hope all is well in your lives, and that you will continue your prayers for me.  

I would love to hear what you think of my blogs, or if you have any opinions you can feel free to contact me at...

  Justin Stein

 

 futuremlbplayer2008@yahoo.com

         or 

   806 s emerson st

chandler, AZ 85225

it's been a while...

  It's been a while since I have "blogged" and it is mostly because this week has been quite difficult for me. I have tried to not think or talk about the things that are going in my life in hopes that I could make them go away by ignoring them but I can't. I talked to Andria on Monday for the first time in a long time and subsequently it will be the last time I talk to her for an even longer time. I have made the decision to not talk to her for the rest of the summer. It is my attempt to rid myself from the grips of being so In love with her that I can't sleep, or function in a normal way for that matter. I semi-regret making that decision because I do and am going to miss my best friend so much but I hope that it will be good for me, and for her. I hope that she realizes what it is like to live her life without me and makes the decision that, that is not the way she wants to live her life. In the mean time I will try to forget about all of this, visit Keenan in San francisco, and have more crazy adventures to write about... I hope that I am making the right decisions... I will write more soon... I just thought that I would give you a quick update... Please continue to pray for me. I hope all is well in your lives. 

       Justin Stein

Just Your Typical Monday Morning Existentialism...

Today I had a flash of self realization... I no longer care what other people think of me. This is an unbelievably freeing feeling. For most of my life sadly enough decisions that I have made have been influenced by what other people may think about me, but for the past few months this complex has seemed to be lifted from my life. This brings me to the ever so wonderful life story time with Justin.
Jr. High was a rather difficult time for me as it was for most of us, however due to my raging hormones and vast insecurities I acted like a complete and utter crazy person, there was the episode where I tried to chop down the tree in the front yard with an Axe because my Mom wouldn't let me go to the movies on a Friday night. (That's perfectly normal right?) or the fact that I called my mom everyday from the pay phone at school at lunch for my whole seventh grade ( I had a hard time adjusting okay.. lay off) but never mind that, the story I was trying to get to is this.. I started at Bogle Jr. High school in seventh grade as a gawky 12 year old, Hawaiian short wearing, socially awkward never been kissed weirdo... this was a product of the fact that I had been semi-mercilessly picked from first grade up until then. I had been adorned with nicknames like "Flowers", because they came to the fourth grade conclusion that I was gay. Lets just say going to a Jr. High school where I knew not a soul because of my recent move to Phoenix from Seattle, Washington had me a little freaked out. As soon as I stepped through the gates of the outdoor campus the social hierarchy was very clear to me... everybody had their groups and specified locations where they mingled before school... which was for the most part harmless and normal social gatherings however there was one group that I was deathly afraid of... The "Popular Kids". There was about thirty members of this "club" from both 7th and 8th grade and they all congregated (to my dismay) smack dab in the middle of campus. I don't know exactly where my irrational fear of them came from but I was absolutely scared of what they would think and say about me, so the only solution in my seventh grade mind was to avoid being within sight of them especially when they were gathered in their "Group" that would make it easier to gang up on me. So every single day I would get off the bus walk into the same gate as everyone else except I would hang an immediate left and walk all the way around the school to hang out alone behind one of the buildings until the bell rang, and then scurry hesitantly to class avoiding any straggling "popular kids". I did this on a daily basis for two years... Two whole years! I was so afraid of what other people thought that I couldn't bring myself to be in the presence of them. Eventually after my progression through high school sports and my success with girls I started to become one of those popular kids that I was so deathly afraid of... but I never lost that fear of what people thought of me... until recently... I realized that I will be forever the weird, and passionate and nerdy Justin Stein. I don't care who knows that or what you think of me because I would be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else. Check that off my Maslow's "Hierarchy of needs" (Sorry, I am a psych major) So if you think I am crazy, If you think I am an idiot for the life choices I have recently made, or if you think that I am "Off my Rocker" I appreciate it, however I official do not care what you think anymore and I will continue to live my life in the same exact way, and I have no problem "passing you on my way to class" I may even stop by and say hello.
For the rest of you Thank you for listening to my story about my socially inept childhood... I hope all is well in your lives and I appreciate your continued prayers.
Awkwardly,
Justin Stein

sunday, bloody sunday...

It's 4am... I hate not being able to sleep, I try so hard to close my eyes and just drift off but it seems like every time I do I think of her. I mean how could I not, I slept next to her almost every night for 5 months... It was the best sleep I have ever had in my life. See I've always had a problem sleeping, my freshmen year of college I went a full four days without sleep, however not once did I have the problem sleeping next to her. I mean why would I? I was happier then I have ever been in my whole life... I was sleeping next to the girl who IS my best friend and it was the most peaceful experience. My favorite part about sleeping next to her was waking up in the morning ( I normally woke up first) bothering her until she woke up, she would yawn, stretch, smile and look at me like she was so happy that I was the first face she got to see to start her day. When she had to wake up and go to work before me she would get dressed and before she walked out the door she would sit on the bed scratch my head and tell me she loved me and kiss me. (I still wake up and semi-expect to see her laying next to me with that smile) How do you sleep well when that is gone? even my prescription for sleeping pills (Lunesta) can't solve that problem. I love her so much, you could never know how much I miss all of that, however I haven't talked her in what seems like ages and it scares me more everyday because it further cements the idea that I will be never have that experience with her again. The thought drives me to do and say crazy and irrational things... people keep telling me to just forget about her and move on, but How do I do that when every moment of my life is permeated with memories of her, my car, the clothes I wear, Mac and cheese, the words or phrases that I say because of spending so much time with her, the fact that when I finally do get sleep I dream about her ( I didn't think it was possible to have one person in your dream nightly for three months). I despise all of it because I feel insane, I hate the fact that one person being gone from my life has thrown my life so far off that I act like a person that I do not want to be and never thought I would be. I was a semi-typical guy who spent time with lots of girls and when they wanted a commitment I ran, now the only girl who has ever said she wanted to marry me and woke up the next morning to see me still there is gone. (Poetic Justice, huh?) My life is forever changed because of it. Now I refuse to hurt a girl by running again because I know how it feels and because of that I will abstain from dating girls until my heart is void of my love for Andria. I think that will be a very very long time. I never knew it was possible to love someone like I love that girl, and I do not regret one bit every moment I spent with her, or moving to Arkansas or the pain that I am feeling now because for 6 months I was the happiest I have ever been, I loved more then I thought was possible and I learned that doing little things to make the one you love happy make me happy is one of the most fulfilling things possible and out of all my adventures thus far Andria has been my greatest, and that's saying a lot. Until this can be resolved I will drown my problems in 70 hour work weeks and my impending departure back to my west coast life... Pray for me and my fractured heart.

Sleepless in the Midwest,
Justin

a little midwestern swing...

Well being as I am currently residing in Joplin, Missouri there was not much to do last night... However I managed to gather a group of my close friends to head down to the falls at about midnight( a twelve foot high waterfall on shoal creek) It was pretty uneventful but It reminded me of the first time I jumped off the falls last year... Lucky you I wrote it all down for my english comp class so here it is...

Comp II : September 14th 2007

If there was such a thing as a “City Boy” you can pin that term on me. I was born in the concrete jungle of Los Angeles and grew up in the booming city of Phoenix. My experience in the outdoors extends to an acre of very carefully watered, patch of grass next to my house. You can understand my surprise when I find myself tip-toeing through ankle high water to get to the top of a waterfall in the heart of the Midwest, Joplin, Missouri.

The water flows swiftly past my ankles as I try to keep my balance on the slippery rocks whose goal is to inflict pain and humiliation by throwing me on my backside. My friend Matt Steiger navigates through the maze of rocks and algae like a seasoned veteran, it is very apparent that he has done this an innumerable amount times. Matt bellows out through the shimmering full-mooned night “Hurry up Stein! Stop being a baby!” After I finally tiptoe my way through the mine of rocks, I am on top of a small rock that jets out jaggedly from the top of what feels like Niagara Falls. Matt smirks and Says “Jump, Stein!”

Looking down is always a bad Idea, as I stared down at the dark, cascading water kissed gingerly by the light of the full moon, my mind raced with a thousand questions and concerns. “What if I jump wrong and hit rocks?” and “If I die from jumping off a waterfall my parents are going to be kill me!” I quickly try to clear my head and with much prodding from my smirking friend Matt, I decide to jump. My feet creep to the edge of the algae covered rock and my toes are bravely hanging off the rock. My knees bend, my upper body lurches forward but my feet didn’t get the memo that it was time to jump and stayed concreted to the slippery rock. “GO, STEIN” Steiger yells in an agitated voice. I step back up to the rock and repeat the same motion and fail miserably for the second time. I turn my back from the highest waterfall known to man and look defeated at Matt, With a compassionless cold voice Matt screams even louder the before “STEIN, FREAKING GO!”

I turn around place my feet angrily on the rock that has ruined my decision to jump for the second time, My upper body again lurches forward the same as before and the sandbags that have replaced my feet leave me standing in exact same place, but a unseen variable changes the results of this failure. I feel two hands push roughly against my back and the feet that were sandbags lose there grip and fall forward in the most awkward, ungraceful way possible. The wind from the fall is blowing past my body as my legs and arms are flailing. My back hits the water and I sink to the bottom of the silvery-lit water, and the refreshing water engulfs my body. I emerge to the top of the gasping and still flailing as Matt laughed uproariously, then dove in with ease and grace that had earlier beseeched me.

When I hit that water on my ill-fated jump, a little bit of the city washed off my body and country rushed into to my mouth and nose and there was no pushing it back. It was my official baptism into midwestern life courtesy of Matt the Baptist.

Selling Ice to Eskimo's...

Ever since I was really little I have always been talking my out of things... Things that should get me in serious trouble, things that I should have never got away with, and I think it has made me a twisted individual. I very much enjoy bending rules as far as they can bend, it actually has become a hobby of mine. One of my favorite instances of this was on a date my senior year of High School. If you know me you know that I don't go on normal dates, I refuse to be lumped together with the other schmucks of my Gender and age so If I am going to take you on a date it is going to be the most amazing experience of your life and I will go to whatever limits I have to make it amazing. To get along with the story I was on a date with this Girl (Desiree, who is now engaged.. congrats!) The date starts off normal Roses, Dinner at Oregano's, but then I decide that we are going to the airport... which is a very weird place to take a girl on the first date but that's Justin Stein. We Park and get coffee at the Starbucks Kiosk and I decide to go down random "employees only" hallways to try to find a place on the roof where we can see the plans take off and land... (Congrats Sky Harbor on your top notch post 9/11 security) somehow after running down hallways and hiding from airport security we get to the top of a private parking deck, Which I assumed to be Pilot or ATC parking because of the abundant amount of BMW's and Mercedes. ( I couldn't find my way back there if I tried) So we sat and watched planes take off for twenty minutes and we started to head back to try to find the main concourse... Well as we are approaching the stairs a two well dressed airport employees give us a puzzled look and before they could ask what we were doing I did what I do best... blurted out the first thing that came to my mind and this is what came out...
" My Wife and I just got back from our honeymoon in Hawaii (While grabing her hand) and I seemed to have lost my car, we've been gone for a few weeks and I forget where we parked it could you point us in the direction of the parking garage D..." The woman had a big smile on her face and said " Oh... Congratulations! Yea that would be no problem...." and she preceded to give us directions...
The date ended and she raved the whole time is was the best day she had ever been on which may not be true now considering she is engaged, however the date was okay for me but I will never forget it now because of the sheer enjoyment I got out of breaking the rules and talking myself out of trouble... I think that may make me a bad person but what can you do right? everyone has there wildside... My Mom always had a phrase she would say to me when I would tell her about antics such as this and believe me there were many of them... She would say "Justin, You could sell ice to an eskimo!" maybe I'll put that on my "Bucket list" "Selling ice to an eskimo... Thanks for reading, I am glad you could peer into my life for a short while...

Your Ice Salesman,
Justin Stein