Just Your Typical Monday Morning Existentialism...

Today I had a flash of self realization... I no longer care what other people think of me. This is an unbelievably freeing feeling. For most of my life sadly enough decisions that I have made have been influenced by what other people may think about me, but for the past few months this complex has seemed to be lifted from my life. This brings me to the ever so wonderful life story time with Justin.
Jr. High was a rather difficult time for me as it was for most of us, however due to my raging hormones and vast insecurities I acted like a complete and utter crazy person, there was the episode where I tried to chop down the tree in the front yard with an Axe because my Mom wouldn't let me go to the movies on a Friday night. (That's perfectly normal right?) or the fact that I called my mom everyday from the pay phone at school at lunch for my whole seventh grade ( I had a hard time adjusting okay.. lay off) but never mind that, the story I was trying to get to is this.. I started at Bogle Jr. High school in seventh grade as a gawky 12 year old, Hawaiian short wearing, socially awkward never been kissed weirdo... this was a product of the fact that I had been semi-mercilessly picked from first grade up until then. I had been adorned with nicknames like "Flowers", because they came to the fourth grade conclusion that I was gay. Lets just say going to a Jr. High school where I knew not a soul because of my recent move to Phoenix from Seattle, Washington had me a little freaked out. As soon as I stepped through the gates of the outdoor campus the social hierarchy was very clear to me... everybody had their groups and specified locations where they mingled before school... which was for the most part harmless and normal social gatherings however there was one group that I was deathly afraid of... The "Popular Kids". There was about thirty members of this "club" from both 7th and 8th grade and they all congregated (to my dismay) smack dab in the middle of campus. I don't know exactly where my irrational fear of them came from but I was absolutely scared of what they would think and say about me, so the only solution in my seventh grade mind was to avoid being within sight of them especially when they were gathered in their "Group" that would make it easier to gang up on me. So every single day I would get off the bus walk into the same gate as everyone else except I would hang an immediate left and walk all the way around the school to hang out alone behind one of the buildings until the bell rang, and then scurry hesitantly to class avoiding any straggling "popular kids". I did this on a daily basis for two years... Two whole years! I was so afraid of what other people thought that I couldn't bring myself to be in the presence of them. Eventually after my progression through high school sports and my success with girls I started to become one of those popular kids that I was so deathly afraid of... but I never lost that fear of what people thought of me... until recently... I realized that I will be forever the weird, and passionate and nerdy Justin Stein. I don't care who knows that or what you think of me because I would be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else. Check that off my Maslow's "Hierarchy of needs" (Sorry, I am a psych major) So if you think I am crazy, If you think I am an idiot for the life choices I have recently made, or if you think that I am "Off my Rocker" I appreciate it, however I official do not care what you think anymore and I will continue to live my life in the same exact way, and I have no problem "passing you on my way to class" I may even stop by and say hello.
For the rest of you Thank you for listening to my story about my socially inept childhood... I hope all is well in your lives and I appreciate your continued prayers.
Awkwardly,
Justin Stein

sunday, bloody sunday...

It's 4am... I hate not being able to sleep, I try so hard to close my eyes and just drift off but it seems like every time I do I think of her. I mean how could I not, I slept next to her almost every night for 5 months... It was the best sleep I have ever had in my life. See I've always had a problem sleeping, my freshmen year of college I went a full four days without sleep, however not once did I have the problem sleeping next to her. I mean why would I? I was happier then I have ever been in my whole life... I was sleeping next to the girl who IS my best friend and it was the most peaceful experience. My favorite part about sleeping next to her was waking up in the morning ( I normally woke up first) bothering her until she woke up, she would yawn, stretch, smile and look at me like she was so happy that I was the first face she got to see to start her day. When she had to wake up and go to work before me she would get dressed and before she walked out the door she would sit on the bed scratch my head and tell me she loved me and kiss me. (I still wake up and semi-expect to see her laying next to me with that smile) How do you sleep well when that is gone? even my prescription for sleeping pills (Lunesta) can't solve that problem. I love her so much, you could never know how much I miss all of that, however I haven't talked her in what seems like ages and it scares me more everyday because it further cements the idea that I will be never have that experience with her again. The thought drives me to do and say crazy and irrational things... people keep telling me to just forget about her and move on, but How do I do that when every moment of my life is permeated with memories of her, my car, the clothes I wear, Mac and cheese, the words or phrases that I say because of spending so much time with her, the fact that when I finally do get sleep I dream about her ( I didn't think it was possible to have one person in your dream nightly for three months). I despise all of it because I feel insane, I hate the fact that one person being gone from my life has thrown my life so far off that I act like a person that I do not want to be and never thought I would be. I was a semi-typical guy who spent time with lots of girls and when they wanted a commitment I ran, now the only girl who has ever said she wanted to marry me and woke up the next morning to see me still there is gone. (Poetic Justice, huh?) My life is forever changed because of it. Now I refuse to hurt a girl by running again because I know how it feels and because of that I will abstain from dating girls until my heart is void of my love for Andria. I think that will be a very very long time. I never knew it was possible to love someone like I love that girl, and I do not regret one bit every moment I spent with her, or moving to Arkansas or the pain that I am feeling now because for 6 months I was the happiest I have ever been, I loved more then I thought was possible and I learned that doing little things to make the one you love happy make me happy is one of the most fulfilling things possible and out of all my adventures thus far Andria has been my greatest, and that's saying a lot. Until this can be resolved I will drown my problems in 70 hour work weeks and my impending departure back to my west coast life... Pray for me and my fractured heart.

Sleepless in the Midwest,
Justin

a little midwestern swing...

Well being as I am currently residing in Joplin, Missouri there was not much to do last night... However I managed to gather a group of my close friends to head down to the falls at about midnight( a twelve foot high waterfall on shoal creek) It was pretty uneventful but It reminded me of the first time I jumped off the falls last year... Lucky you I wrote it all down for my english comp class so here it is...

Comp II : September 14th 2007

If there was such a thing as a “City Boy” you can pin that term on me. I was born in the concrete jungle of Los Angeles and grew up in the booming city of Phoenix. My experience in the outdoors extends to an acre of very carefully watered, patch of grass next to my house. You can understand my surprise when I find myself tip-toeing through ankle high water to get to the top of a waterfall in the heart of the Midwest, Joplin, Missouri.

The water flows swiftly past my ankles as I try to keep my balance on the slippery rocks whose goal is to inflict pain and humiliation by throwing me on my backside. My friend Matt Steiger navigates through the maze of rocks and algae like a seasoned veteran, it is very apparent that he has done this an innumerable amount times. Matt bellows out through the shimmering full-mooned night “Hurry up Stein! Stop being a baby!” After I finally tiptoe my way through the mine of rocks, I am on top of a small rock that jets out jaggedly from the top of what feels like Niagara Falls. Matt smirks and Says “Jump, Stein!”

Looking down is always a bad Idea, as I stared down at the dark, cascading water kissed gingerly by the light of the full moon, my mind raced with a thousand questions and concerns. “What if I jump wrong and hit rocks?” and “If I die from jumping off a waterfall my parents are going to be kill me!” I quickly try to clear my head and with much prodding from my smirking friend Matt, I decide to jump. My feet creep to the edge of the algae covered rock and my toes are bravely hanging off the rock. My knees bend, my upper body lurches forward but my feet didn’t get the memo that it was time to jump and stayed concreted to the slippery rock. “GO, STEIN” Steiger yells in an agitated voice. I step back up to the rock and repeat the same motion and fail miserably for the second time. I turn my back from the highest waterfall known to man and look defeated at Matt, With a compassionless cold voice Matt screams even louder the before “STEIN, FREAKING GO!”

I turn around place my feet angrily on the rock that has ruined my decision to jump for the second time, My upper body again lurches forward the same as before and the sandbags that have replaced my feet leave me standing in exact same place, but a unseen variable changes the results of this failure. I feel two hands push roughly against my back and the feet that were sandbags lose there grip and fall forward in the most awkward, ungraceful way possible. The wind from the fall is blowing past my body as my legs and arms are flailing. My back hits the water and I sink to the bottom of the silvery-lit water, and the refreshing water engulfs my body. I emerge to the top of the gasping and still flailing as Matt laughed uproariously, then dove in with ease and grace that had earlier beseeched me.

When I hit that water on my ill-fated jump, a little bit of the city washed off my body and country rushed into to my mouth and nose and there was no pushing it back. It was my official baptism into midwestern life courtesy of Matt the Baptist.

Selling Ice to Eskimo's...

Ever since I was really little I have always been talking my out of things... Things that should get me in serious trouble, things that I should have never got away with, and I think it has made me a twisted individual. I very much enjoy bending rules as far as they can bend, it actually has become a hobby of mine. One of my favorite instances of this was on a date my senior year of High School. If you know me you know that I don't go on normal dates, I refuse to be lumped together with the other schmucks of my Gender and age so If I am going to take you on a date it is going to be the most amazing experience of your life and I will go to whatever limits I have to make it amazing. To get along with the story I was on a date with this Girl (Desiree, who is now engaged.. congrats!) The date starts off normal Roses, Dinner at Oregano's, but then I decide that we are going to the airport... which is a very weird place to take a girl on the first date but that's Justin Stein. We Park and get coffee at the Starbucks Kiosk and I decide to go down random "employees only" hallways to try to find a place on the roof where we can see the plans take off and land... (Congrats Sky Harbor on your top notch post 9/11 security) somehow after running down hallways and hiding from airport security we get to the top of a private parking deck, Which I assumed to be Pilot or ATC parking because of the abundant amount of BMW's and Mercedes. ( I couldn't find my way back there if I tried) So we sat and watched planes take off for twenty minutes and we started to head back to try to find the main concourse... Well as we are approaching the stairs a two well dressed airport employees give us a puzzled look and before they could ask what we were doing I did what I do best... blurted out the first thing that came to my mind and this is what came out...
" My Wife and I just got back from our honeymoon in Hawaii (While grabing her hand) and I seemed to have lost my car, we've been gone for a few weeks and I forget where we parked it could you point us in the direction of the parking garage D..." The woman had a big smile on her face and said " Oh... Congratulations! Yea that would be no problem...." and she preceded to give us directions...
The date ended and she raved the whole time is was the best day she had ever been on which may not be true now considering she is engaged, however the date was okay for me but I will never forget it now because of the sheer enjoyment I got out of breaking the rules and talking myself out of trouble... I think that may make me a bad person but what can you do right? everyone has there wildside... My Mom always had a phrase she would say to me when I would tell her about antics such as this and believe me there were many of them... She would say "Justin, You could sell ice to an eskimo!" maybe I'll put that on my "Bucket list" "Selling ice to an eskimo... Thanks for reading, I am glad you could peer into my life for a short while...

Your Ice Salesman,
Justin Stein

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind...

 Today was a day just like any other... Nothing happened that made my life worse, but nothing happened to make my life any better. Today I really wanted a life changing moment, and I held out hope that something would happen to send my life careening into the path that ultimately lead me face to face with my destiny, to my knowledge that did not happen on the 21st of april.

  That led me to a question... Should I be waiting for direction and waiting for something to happen to determine the rest of my short existence on earth or should I be out making my own destiny, is it even possible for me to make my own destiny? and what the hell is destiny? and can I control it, because it sounds far too clandestine for me to really have a hold over it... evaluating the man that I am, I don't think I can sit back and wait for my "Destiny" to show up and my life to align into awesomeness... I have to do something about it, I have to try to do something that will make my life better... but I fear the more I try to fix my life the farther I will fall into obscurity... because I cannot not be trusted to be left alone with my life, I am far too much of a dreamer to make sane rational decisions with it... funny enough I think I may need a babysitter... or a man-sitter might be a more apropriate because to quote my Tattoo'ed , Motorcycle driving, out of control 19 year old brother "I am a Grown Ass man".  Is there any takers...? It doesnt pay... well anything at all... but I am pretty decent company... 

   I will leave you with a excerpt of a Poem that I have grown quite fond of recent by Alexander Pope...

            "How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd!" -Alexander Pope

     

                       

                            

Sleepless nights...

You may know me well... You may not know me very well at all, but that does not matter. My life is an open book to anyone who wants to take the time to read it... So prepare yourself because I am going to be bluntly honest and truthful on my "blog" because it helps me to clear all of this garbage out of my mind and hopefully I will be able to sleep again.
My life has gone through many drastic changes in the past year... I went from Ozark Christian College at the end of my sophomore year to Camp War Eagle where I worked in the summer. While there I fell madly in love with a girl named Andria and subsequently moved to Fayetteville, Arkansas to be with her in the fall... (yes, I know many of you are cringing because you never move to a different state for a girl... well I didn't know that At the time) I spent from August to February in Fayetteville and loved it, mostly because I got to spend everyday with the girl I had proclaimed to be the love of my life and best friend and I spent the most amazing 5 months falling In love and spending time with a girl who was everything I could have ever hoped for... but like most love stories sadly enough January 14Th it ended, very much not by my choice... and for the first time in my life I had been broken up with... So after bearing a month in Fayetteville without her, on about 6 hours notice after a very very rough Valentines day I packed up all of my things and literally threw the back of my Pathfinder ( It was impressive considering the amount of stuff I own and the size of my car) and made my way back to the Valley with my tail tucked between my legs thinking that my beloved Arizona could fix me...
Have you ever held a place in such high regard that it seems no matter what happened to your life you could retreat to that place and be happy?... Well Arizona was that to me.. It was my home, the people that I loved where there... The streets I learned to drive on... my favorite burger joints, and hangout spots... and make out spots... (I am just being honest!) This place was untouchable... or so I thought... I went back got a job and was living in my hometown... but I had a heartbreaking realization.... This was no longer my home... My home was 1187 miles away with the girl that I AM in love with... and even In-n-out burger couldn't change that... Do you know how surreal it is to find out the place you have called home most of your life is not home any more and that your parents that have taken care of you all of your life, and have fixed up your cuts and bruises and helped you come out of your childhood in relatively one piece can't fix your broken heart... and imagine my surprise when this California born, Seattle and Phoenix raised West Coast snob realized that his home was in Arkansas... The butt of all Midwestern jokes... Yea... I must really be crazy In love... So I did what in my mind seemed logical... (Which may in fact be illogical... you never know with these things) I put in my notice at work and one week later I packed up the same car I trekked home to Arizona in and made my way back to Arkansas... and I didn't find it necessary to tell Andria that I was coming back... (Yea... great thinking slick) and lets just say there was no welcoming party for Mr. Stein here that is for sure... So after quickly realizing that I wasn't as welcomed as I would have like to be in the place that holds my heart... I set up camp where I went to college about 90 miles away In Joplin... (You thought your life was confusing and complicated.. HA!) I am currently sleeping on my best friends couch and will be living here until likely next December when I make my way back to California (barring a miraculos change of circumstance where a certain girl waltzes back into my life)... So it is safe to say I am kind of a risk taker and It doesn't always work out the way I would like it to... however I have faith that because God recognizes that I try so gosh darn hard and because of the pain that I have endured he will give me what my heart truly desires and that still is Andria... ( and I will begrudgingly accept it if it is not what he wants, but Jacob got to wrestle with God and get what he wanted so wgy not me... right?) even though that may be a long long time from now... and there is lots of things that have to be worked out... She just is the girl who makes my heart the happiest, and shes the girl I wake up thinking about... she is the most unique and amazing girl that I have ever been around (and regrettably I have been around more then my far share) and I would go to the ends of the earth for her... and If you don't believe me your an idiot because I already have gone back and forth twice across the country... what Is a few more miles and continents... So in synopsis... All of this information does in fact mean that I may be mildly crazy... and I accept that because that is who Justin Stein is... I am all or nothing, In or out, will take it to the max and push what ever limits I have to get what I want... and I am quite sure that's why people love me... because if I love you there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you... So say a prayer for me... because I am not going to lie and tell you that I am not in pain... because I am... and there is few nights that I get restfull sleep because I am my mind wont shut off about all of this... I can use all the help I can get... And you can take my word, I will be there to help you when you need it... Goodnight, and if you get a chance listen to FUN.'s new song "At least I'm Not As Sad as I Use To Be.." It is soo choice... I highly reccomend it... (Yea.. That me parting from you with a ferris Bueller-ism, yes I am that cool)
The never boring,
Justin Stein