Today I had a flash of self realization... I no longer care what other people think of me. This is an unbelievably freeing feeling. For most of my life sadly enough decisions that I have made have been influenced by what other people may think about me, but for the past few months this complex has seemed to be lifted from my life. This brings me to the ever so wonderful life story time with Justin.
Jr. High was a rather difficult time for me as it was for most of us, however due to my raging hormones and vast insecurities I acted like a complete and utter crazy person, there was the episode where I tried to chop down the tree in the front yard with an Axe because my Mom wouldn't let me go to the movies on a Friday night. (That's perfectly normal right?) or the fact that I called my mom everyday from the pay phone at school at lunch for my whole seventh grade ( I had a hard time adjusting okay.. lay off) but never mind that, the story I was trying to get to is this.. I started at Bogle Jr. High school in seventh grade as a gawky 12 year old, Hawaiian short wearing, socially awkward never been kissed weirdo... this was a product of the fact that I had been semi-mercilessly picked from first grade up until then. I had been adorned with nicknames like "Flowers", because they came to the fourth grade conclusion that I was gay. Lets just say going to a Jr. High school where I knew not a soul because of my recent move to Phoenix from Seattle, Washington had me a little freaked out. As soon as I stepped through the gates of the outdoor campus the social hierarchy was very clear to me... everybody had their groups and specified locations where they mingled before school... which was for the most part harmless and normal social gatherings however there was one group that I was deathly afraid of... The "Popular Kids". There was about thirty members of this "club" from both 7th and 8th grade and they all congregated (to my dismay) smack dab in the middle of campus. I don't know exactly where my irrational fear of them came from but I was absolutely scared of what they would think and say about me, so the only solution in my seventh grade mind was to avoid being within sight of them especially when they were gathered in their "Group" that would make it easier to gang up on me. So every single day I would get off the bus walk into the same gate as everyone else except I would hang an immediate left and walk all the way around the school to hang out alone behind one of the buildings until the bell rang, and then scurry hesitantly to class avoiding any straggling "popular kids". I did this on a daily basis for two years... Two whole years! I was so afraid of what other people thought that I couldn't bring myself to be in the presence of them. Eventually after my progression through high school sports and my success with girls I started to become one of those popular kids that I was so deathly afraid of... but I never lost that fear of what people thought of me... until recently... I realized that I will be forever the weird, and passionate and nerdy Justin Stein. I don't care who knows that or what you think of me because I would be lying to myself if I tried to be anyone else. Check that off my Maslow's "Hierarchy of needs" (Sorry, I am a psych major) So if you think I am crazy, If you think I am an idiot for the life choices I have recently made, or if you think that I am "Off my Rocker" I appreciate it, however I official do not care what you think anymore and I will continue to live my life in the same exact way, and I have no problem "passing you on my way to class" I may even stop by and say hello.
For the rest of you Thank you for listening to my story about my socially inept childhood... I hope all is well in your lives and I appreciate your continued prayers.
Awkwardly,
Justin Stein
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